Children are a huge blessing, one that I’m glad my wife and I have been able to receive from God. However, I know there are couples hurting right now because they haven’t had the opportunity, for one reason or another, to parent a child. Grief around children is very real but something that is typically hidden because we want the world to see that we are ok. Let me start by saying, it’s OK to not be ok. Allow me to share some of our story.
Before we were married, we knew we wanted children and would try as soon as timing felt right. When has that ever worked out? God has a funny way of saying that our timing isn’t His timing. When we started trying, Cindy had two miscarriages which left her devastated. I was sad but my sadness didn’t hold a candle to her feelings. She wondered if I would leave her since she couldn’t provide me a child. She felt like God was saying she wouldn’t be a good mother, so she didn’t deserve a child. She had so many negative emotions that poured out from her heart and all I could do was hold her close and try to help her make sense of it.
We did see a fertility doctor who told us we would never have biological children. That was just another blow that we had to recover from. We started talking about adoption but that was cost prohibitive so we genuinely wondered if we would ever have little happy feet in our home. Then, Cindy ran across a fostering agency and talked me into going through the training so we could help kids that needed our help. We finished the training and asked God to bless us with “a” child we could help know Him better. We told the agency we only wanted one to start but God intervened and said, I have three that need you, so splash, we were foster parents with no experience.
Five months later and we were headed to adopt two of the three boys we started with and one Monday morning, God took the oldest one to heaven in a horrible accident. Three months after that, we were talking about adoption again, of three beautiful children which was consummated a year after we took our first placement of kids. Ten years later, God would take our oldest home and leave us with a beautiful granddaughter that we have since adopted as our daughter. Two children taken from us, two that were never born. It felt cruel but today, we see how the story has developed and God’s working in the entire thing.
If you’re struggling, know that God’s timing is always perfect even if it is painful to wait out. If you have felt the profound loss of losing a child, I want to leave you with these words that my dad gave me along the way. This poem was written by Edgar Albert Guest who also suffered the loss of two of his children.
I’ll lend you for a little time,
A child of mine, He said,
For you to love the while he lives,
And mourn for when he’s dead.
It may be six or seven years,
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care of him for me?
He’ll bring his charms to gladden you,
And should his stay be brief,
You’ll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want the child to learn.
I’ve looked this wide world over
In my search for teachers true,
And from the throng that crowds earth’s lanes,
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come
To take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say
“Dear Lord, Thy will be done!”
For all the joys Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we’ll run.
We’ll shelter him with tenderness,
We’ll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we’ve known
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him,
Much sooner than we’ve planned,
We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes,
And try to understand.